Don't Ask, Don't Tell: How Open Does an Open Relationship Have to Be?

In short: Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT) is an agreement in open relationships: both may see other people, but nobody asks and nobody tells. That can work for some couples, especially with casual connections. But it carries risks: feelings and health questions are hard to keep quiet, and not knowing can amplify insecurity instead of easing it. If you choose DADT, you actually need more clear agreements, not fewer.

Many couples thinking about opening up sooner or later land on the same idea: “Do what you want, but I don’t want to know.” It sounds like an elegant compromise. The freedom is there, the jealousy stays outside.

In practice it is more complicated. This article explains what DADT is, which variations exist, why people choose it and how to tell whether it suits you.

What Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell means

DADT is an arrangement in which both partners know the relationship is open, but specific connections are not talked about. Nobody asks, and nobody volunteers information.

The distinction from cheating matters: with DADT the opening is agreed. Nobody is being deceived, because not knowing is itself the agreement. Cheating starts where agreements are broken. More on that in polyamory vs. cheating.

The term originally comes from a completely different context, but has become an established name for this relationship arrangement.

The variations: not all or nothing

In reality DADT rarely exists in its pure form. Intermediate forms are more common:

Variation	What applies
Full DADT	No information, no questions, no traces in shared daily life.
DADT with exceptions	No details in principle, but information on certain occasions, for example when feelings develop or a connection becomes regular.
”Tell me, but no details”	You know that and when something happens, but not with whom or how.
On request	Nothing is volunteered, but direct questions get honest answers.
Full transparency	The opposite model, common in many polyamorous relationships.

This table alone shows that “DADT” is not a fixed state but a dial. Many couples start at one end and move it over time.

Why people choose DADT

The motives vary, and not all are equally healthy.

Understandable reasons:

• You simply do not want to know the details, just as you do not need to know every detail of your partner’s workday.
• The connections are casual and not very emotional; the primary relationship is clearly at the centre.
• Both value privacy and want an area that belongs only to them.

Reasons that should make you sceptical:

• You hope jealousy will disappear if you do not notice anything.
• One person wants to open up, the other does not really, and agrees to DADT so as not to lose the relationship.
• You avoid a difficult conversation instead of having it.

That last point is common. If you are only just thinking about opening up, opening up when your partner isn’t poly helps you take an honest look.

The risks

1. Jealousy does not disappear through not knowing. Many people find that their imagination is worse than reality. If you know nothing, you fill in the gaps yourself, and usually not with reassuring pictures. Jealousy is easier to work with when it has a concrete cause.

2. Feelings do not follow agreements. A casual connection can turn into more. With DADT there is often no framework for raising that, and suddenly there is a relationship the partner knows nothing about.

3. Health cannot be kept quiet. Anyone with sexual contacts is responsible for the health of everyone involved. Agreements on safer sex and testing apply with DADT too, and in an emergency you have to inform each other.

4. Daily life gives a lot away. Unexplained evenings, a new name in your phone, shared friends who notice something. DADT demands a level of discretion that becomes tiring over time.

5. Your partners’ other partners. Do the other people know they are part of a DADT arrangement? If not, they make decisions without all the information. DADT is only ethically sound if everyone involved knows what they are getting into.

6. Closeness can suffer. When a growing part of your life is off limits, distance develops. Some couples only notice after months that they tell each other less than they used to, on other topics too.

When DADT can work

DADT is not wrong in itself. It tends to work when:

• both really want it, not just one of you, and still feel that way when you check in later,
• the connections stay casual and both want it that way,
• there are fixed exceptions where you do talk,
• health questions are clearly settled,
• the primary relationship is stable and is not supposed to be rescued by opening up,
• you regularly review whether the agreement still fits.

DADT rarely fits polyamory in the narrower sense, meaning several loving relationships. Loving relationships need time, plans and room in your life, which is hard to hide. The difference is explained in polyamory vs. open relationship.

What to agree on even with DADT

Paradoxically, a relationship with little information needs more agreements, not fewer. Possible points:

1. Safer sex and testing: What applies, how often do you test, when do you inform each other?
2. Places: Not in your shared home? Not in your own bed? Not in your own town?
3. Social circle: Are shared friends, colleagues or exes off limits?
4. Exceptions: When do you talk after all, for example when feelings develop, when a connection becomes regular or when someone wants to reconsider the agreement?
5. Time: How many evenings a month are okay without the relationship suffering?
6. Traces: How do you handle messages, photos and gifts?
7. Review: When will you next talk about whether DADT still fits?

How good agreements come about in general, and why rigid rules often fail, is covered in polyamory rules and agreements.

When DADT no longer fits

Many couples eventually move from DADT to more openness. Signs:

• One of you constantly wonders what the other is doing right now.
• The agreement feels more like a secret than like freedom.
• There are feelings for someone else that want to be said out loud.
• You talk to each other less in general than you used to.

The change does not have to be abrupt. A first step can be switching to “tell me, but no details” or introducing regular check-ins where the agreement itself is the topic.

How Roster helps

Even if you share little with each other, an overview is worth it for yourself. Roster keeps your connections, dates and health notes such as test dates private, and in the reflection journal you can note how you feel about your agreement. Everything stays local on your device, with no account and no cloud, so no traces on shared devices or servers. Roster is available on the App Store.

Further reading

Which forms of non-monogamy exist is explained in ethical non-monogamy. And how to protect your privacy across several relationships is covered in polyamory and privacy.

Frequently asked questions

What does Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell mean in a relationship? Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT) is an agreement in which both partners may see other people but have agreed not to ask and not to tell. The opening is known and wanted; the details deliberately stay unspoken.

Is DADT cheating? No, as long as both have agreed to it and stick to it. Cheating means breaking agreements. With DADT, not knowing is itself the agreement. It becomes a problem when DADT is only used as a pretext to keep one side quiet.

Is DADT compatible with polyamory? Rarely. Polyamory usually means several loving relationships that show up in everyday life through time, plans and feelings. That is hard to keep quiet. DADT is more common in open relationships with fairly casual connections.

What should you still discuss with DADT? Even with DADT you need clear agreements on safer sex and testing intervals, on places (for example not in your shared home), on your shared social circle and on when you do inform each other, for example when feelings develop or there is a health risk.

Do the other partners know about the DADT arrangement? They should. DADT is only ethically sound if new connections also know there is a primary relationship with this agreement. Someone who does not know what they are getting into cannot give informed consent.